Beside Myself

I had to leave town.

I had to get gone.

I had to disembrace.

I had to be forgotten.

I had to remain small beside myself.

I had to be unmemorable.

I had to desert to survive.

I had to grieve then go on.

I had to disembark.

I had to finish it.

I had to regain, start over; and again, begin.

I had to be ok with being misunderstood, hated; not care about it.

I had to accept blame; even blame that was not my own.

I had to learn to like and love myself. I did and still do.

I had to rejoice a slow day.

I had to stay up all night to get through the last.

I had to heal myself, “thyself”.

I had to forgive.

I had to learn how to forgive…

By knowing my own heart.

I had to work into night(s).

I had to stop the damn cry, not the sore muscle.

I had to shut out the noise.

I had to get away from the hustle.

I had to enjoy the walk again, but not really alone.

I had to live again.

I had to choose me when there was no other.

I had to go back to my roots,

Back to my home.

I had to claim what was mine, what had been all along.

I had to put my hand in the cement.

I had to make my mark in the dirt, on my world; and in it.

I had to build, rebuild.

I had to sweat.

I had to starve, be left hungry.

I had to be angry, get so mad.

I had to get furious, then laugh at it, laugh about it.

I had to be me, though a new kind of myself.

I had to just live.

Really live.

I had to learn how to be grateful again;

Discover that I wasn’t actually ever beside myself.

Never the end.

Havoc & Bright Lights on black vinyl