This is a picture of my father–so long ago when he enlisted in the United States Navy. He was a teenager. I think I have that right.
He ended up serving in the Korean War, defending his very Country– the Country where his beloved Kansas stood mightily intact with its golden wheat–the breadbasket of the world.
What I do know that I have right, is how the RIGHT way that a family is to be to each other– to be each other’s best friends, to be LOYAL to each other, and intentionally be present in each other’s lives. The healthy way that a family is to function. I learned it the hard way through the years–from my parents’ divorce, my mom jet-setting away on an airplane so long ago (among so much more that I don’t have time or the want to write about)–to my own unraveling of personal relationships and marriages in my extreme youth.
They say that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. I’m glad that I am my father’s apple. And, now, I have soon 6 of my own loyal apples around me; one previously gone before...
It’s a clear decision that a person should set their personal character to be in a family. Bad choices and decisions can make or break a family forever. The family structure divides, no matter how hard you try to keep it solid; no matter how many years you find yourself chasing them, making a mends the best you can try to do–because you never stopped needing them and wanting them. Why?– you are the one who loved; something that you just don’t quit really.
Purposely leaving people out of holiday functions, all those special family celebratory events cuts very deeply.
Dad worked hard for a living all his life. He was also devoted to his wife and kids, and his parents and entire family. Despite what people say/what they’ve said. And despite the natural flaws that we all have. There’s nobody perfect, but looking back, he was close to being that perfect person–all because of his heart and commitment to his family. His family was everything to him, the all in all.
Who is that in yours? Who is the backbone of your family, or several people who are that/this dedicated? If it’s you, is it exhausting for you?
From losing most of my family, I appreciate the gift of having one of my own even more. And if you are ever in a situation that you have to be forced out of your family, well, you have to look at who really cares to keep you with them.
This is not a defeat, not a pity-party, not a victim’s remorse. It’s growth, more damn growth. Everybody needs it, not run away from it, not be an ostrich with its head stuck in the sand wishing it away. Effort to change something is work that must get done.
This group of my own, my very offspring, may be small. But this small group is loyal—I’ve successfully ingrained it in them to be/still in the working phase and process. Like an MLM, any direct sales that you could belong with, you discover quickly where your sales force is, your true team of workers with you; who is loyal, also which customers and people in your field who are not going to want to see your face again… It’s not about you exactly. It’s acceptance or not, an issue in some people.
And it’s the family blessing that each person wants to have, that much love of acceptance in their own family.
Oh, it hurts, having to say those goodbyes–or when there’s blocking blood family–not allowed to say a single word–forevermore. THAT is “insane”… And stupid at the same time.
Family ties were never to be cut, broken, gotten rid of in the first place. There are unhealthy people in families; everybody knows that. There are also people who try like the dickens to hold on to people that they’ve loved their life-long ever since they could remember having a memory.
That’s me. I get it from my father. He loved with his whole heart. He was devoted, truly committed, a real genuine provider. He got hurt, and he got left. He also had to rebuild his small world. He had to do more to survive, go beyond survival of what shattered his world–his family.
Having a marriage and a family is not about bringing a Cinderella dream to life. Why would anybody expect or want anything artificial as that??
We leave, we get left; but we should never be forced out of our own families just because somebody holds the keys to lock the door and keep it locked shut for as long as you’re alive… As though you’re suppose to be the stranger, an outsider; like you were never to be born by the way people act.
Words do harm. More than we know and it’s hard to get over such words for a lot of years–if there’s NO positive change. It would “change” a lot if people would apologize and be good family members. It matters.
I never knew just what Dad went through until I had to feel the same way in very similar situations throughout my entire adulthood–off and on, how it went its course.
I realize that I’m the apple that fell from his tree.
My core is brown with rot, but it’s alive still. Its got seeds that can replenish no matter how ugly somebody is– how even a stranger can get in there and be puppeteered by an unloving family member. The scapegoating is long-living–unfortunately. How people use a family and dismember it, one by one–a disgrace.
They will always scapegoat and gaslight. You just have to go on when you are forced to go on, and you have to think of your own health and well-being, and those of your offspring. You have to be of the right balance. It doesn’t make any difference how loving and kind you are and have been to your own breed from where you came– there’s a time or a few of those times when you’re not given an option to make a choice or be considered in a decision. Because they made sure that you were the outcast, and you’ll always be their outcast. It’s harbored resentment of unwillingness of forgiveness, and jealousy.
And that repeated pinning of blame… oh, my. The way to go is FORWARD.
What we lose, God does replenish, even though nothing can replace a soul. Nothing and nobody can replace a life of who you have loved and go on loving. It’s tough. You have to do the tough thing and let it go when you don’t want to, even. And you have to be fine with the evil done to you and said about you without trying to make words right that get distorted by people.
It’s a shame that it ever takes place.
So be of great courage, my dear friend, whoever you are who might be going through the same thing today. I don’t have to know your name. I feel your pain. I love you the same, because I got that from my dad, too–this apple got his integrity of human kindness that is real. It lasts a lifetime–true human decency when it’s boldly rooted in you.
Chin up. The family loyalty in you is true and blue. It’s one of those engines that never loses its spark. You might be standing there alone, but you are the blessed one standing alone.
You have my support. I don’t know you from Adam, but I feel you whoever you are.
And you’re not ever really alone.